20 YEARS FROM ROCK BOTTOM

I saw this picture and quote today, and it really resonated with me:

I realized that it was 1995, 20 years ago, that I hit my own rock bottom. Living in NYC for the summer, I should have been the happiest I’d ever been. I did love being in the city, loved my work, but was so consumed with my own disease and depression, I couldn’t really feel much at all but anxiety and sadness.

 

That summer I weighed 83 pounds and could barely fit in adult clothes. All I ate each day was maybe a couple of apples and a frozen yogurt. I was so tired I could barely go out in the evenings to explore, instead going to bed alone in my dorm room.

 

I remember being so cold all the time that I had to drink endless amounts of hot coffee to keep warm.

 

I remember knowing how sick I looked, wanting for it to not be that way, but terrified to change.

Yup, THAT was ME. Pretty scary, huh?

 

I don’t even know who that girl was, or why she made herself suffer so much. I remember being chubby in high school, and once I started to get thinner and in shape, I just couldn’t stop, It always had to be more, better……

 

I remember one night specifically, thinking about ending it all. I asked my roommates, “Why do you want to get up in the morning?” I asked them all, over and over, hoping that one of their answers would trigger something in me, something that would make me change my  mind. All I could feel was tired, and not wanting to live another day. Thankfully, I went to sleep, I kept going, I went back home. I got the lead in the University musical. I lost the lead. I was too frail to do it. I left school for a year. I returned and graduated. I never did get to do a lead role in college. I lost my chance.

 

I had always been a perfectionist, always anxious, but this thing took hold of me in a way that I couldn’t escape. For a long time. The only thing that saved me was in intervention by my family: Choose us, or the disease. I was terrified to lose them, and did all I could do to gain weight. I went to therapy weekly, I did all I could to get better.

 

But then I traded starvation for obsessive running. When I stopped running, I started binge eating. I started working as a personal trainer, thinking if I could work out all day, I would be fine. I worked out obsessively, but secretly binged every night. I was overweight again. And unhappy.  I got married, thinking that would make me happy. Five years later, realizing I still wasn’t, I got divorced. I started getting to know myself again. And in that time, I started to feel more comfortable in my own skin again. I started singing again. I started a new career. I started to be a real grownup. I can’t say exactly what did it for me, what made me recover. I think just a lot of growing up. I care so much less about what other people think of me now. I cut myself a break.

 

In 2006, after realizing I wanted more, I got divorced not knowing what the future would bring. I had married a great guy, but we just were not right for each other; we didn’t want the same things. Funny thing was, I didn’t know WHAT I wanted when I got married.

 

I started to write down what I wanted in life. I started thinking about what kind of relationship I wanted. And in a flash, I met my husband. We met, we had lunch, and then we were inseparable. And now we have two kids and a crazy wonderful life. And I don’t have a secret to reveal as to how I got here. Lots of self-reflection, lots of therapy, lots of laughter, lots of doing things that scare me.

I don’t even really think about my weight much anymore. I want to be strong and fit, but I don’t obsess on the numbers. I eat healthy, but I don’t obsess or count calories. And ironically,  I am really happy with my size, and I am convinced that the self-love is what keeps me where I am. Holding on to all that negativity, that fear, that self-loathing, is what made my body too fat. Or too thin.  And once you stop fighting, once you love your body, it will do what it needs to. I am so focused on just LIFE, and kids, husband, home, work, performing, travel, fun, I just don’t have time for that anymore. Instead of wondering what to wake up for, I am just thankful every day to wake up.

 

Thank GOD.